Grieving a Natural State of Being

Grieving comes in stages. Words can barely capture the depth of dispair that is sometimes felt by individuals over loss. Sometimes whole communities go through the stages of grief at the same time. We may go through stages of grief as a natural state of being. When someone says or does something we think is shocking, that we don't expect we may grieve over that moment. We may grieve a whole lifetime over who we thought we were supposed to be, who we thought someone else was supposed to be. So many thoughts we perceive, decide to put in our minds and choose to keep there.
My first attempt to write this blog took two hours. When I pushed the 'publish post' button the writing disappeared and I couldn't retrieve it. This was a message about letting go. Perfect.

My family, myself and our community suffered the loss of a loved one recently. An outpouring of love surfaced that wasn't usually seen in public.  I can find peace in witnessing this and I hope others do, too. Many people that didn't usually come together did so, to say good-bye to a young man.

I began to think and during this process I realized that we all go in and out of stages of grief depending on the thoughts we choose to keep in our minds. We all suffer loss. What are the stages of grief? Shock, denial, pain, guilt, anger, bargaining, depression, reflection, loneliness, sadness, and other feelings. These are ours. We in a sense, own them.  Each one grieves in their own way. This is our true heart speaking.

As a medium I talk to many people on this side and those on the other side, including animals. We ourselves are an animal, a mammal. Everything is made of energy and vibrates at a certain frequency. Thoughts have vibrations and contribute to the way we feel. I believe this is why I and others can pick up on information. Energy never dies. All the thoughts we have ever thought become energy that never dies, as we never die. We become a different frequency of vibration.

As my mother lay dying her last words were, "It is just different." What a gift she gave in her last moments on this earth.

When my sister was killed I was swallowed by grief. I knew enough to know that I was in charge of how I was feeling to a certain extent. I knew that she was on the other side. That what happened to her physically was short lived compared to an eternity as spirit. Still I was numb with disbelief. I went into shock. The past met up with me and the future seemed grim. I felt stuck, like a worm at the end of a fishing hook. I tried to deny her death. Talking to the FBI settled that for me. Yes, it was her they found. Her tattoo on her shoulder. She had been killed. Shock can provide some sort of protection in the moment so we don't become overwhelmed into heart failure, into a mind breaking coma. Shock may last for weeks. It is a personal voyage.

As this shock wears off the waves of pain wash in and out like the tide of the ocean. Sometimes it felt like I could barely keep my head above water. Noise was too noisy. My skin crawled. I wanted to be left alone. I couldn't talk. I pretended I was doing okay. Inside I wanted to die. I didn't tell my family that I was thinking this way. I kept it to myself to work through. I thought I could do it on my own. I felt I had to do it on my own because no one could understand this well of pain. They wouldn't know what to say. Sometimes they did and other times they were just so cruel, adding to my suffering. My true heart ached an ache that I couldn't explain. You know the saying, "I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy." I truly wouldn't. I've since learned through this experience that it is healthy to allow the suffering. To embrace it instead of trying to push it away. That is futile. The reality is there. There are times in life that are well beyond any comprehension until it happens to you. This was one of those times.

Beyond death of a loved one there is the death we suffer daily within ourselves. Some may live a lifetime of dull ache so as not to feel the moment of sharp emotional anguish. When we get a divorce, lose a job, lose our house, a beloved pet, and so on we suffer grief and the stages of it.

When we use drugs, alcohol, sex, food and other things to stuff our true heart, we linger like a fish out of water gasping for air, until we take our final breath.

I had so much guilt. I felt I wasn't enough. Memories from childhood came crashing back hitting me upside the head over and over again. Why? Why me? Why anyone? I was angry and wanted someone to blame. More stages of grief.

Being a medium and psychic as we all are,  as our spirit selves, my sister came to me many times. At first she came to me as I sat out on my deck grieving. I looked and she was crouched down next to me with her hand on my knee. As my husband drove into the driveway she stood and disappeared, still smiling. I felt she knew he was home and would comfort me.

Always she comes to me in full color. Holgraphic in nature. One time she came to me as I worked at my shop.  A former student was visiting with me. He knew of my sisters death. She popped in next to him and place a football helmet on his head with the number '69' on it. I could hear her talking to me telepathically. Again she was smiling. She wanted me to tell him she was there and ask him about the helmet. I was shy about it because the number sixty nine had sexual undertones. She kept asking me and so I did tell him. His reply was that his son played football and his number was sixty nine. He and his wife teased him about yelling out  'sixty nine jokes' to him out on the field at games, if he didn't do well. My sister was raped and murdered. I know there was a message in there somewhere.

The pain was excruciating and almost unbearable, yet nothing that she felt I thought in her moments of death. I began to cry. I planted flowers in her name. I talked openly about her demise. I spoke openly and accepted my thoughts. I witnessed my own thoughts. They were there. This was my truth. I don't believe that everyone I talked to about her death wanted to hear about it. Yet, there was family and dear friends that were there for me and witnessed my grief. I allowed myself my true-heart thoughts and feelings. Life began to feel less chaotic and scary. I remembered my sister as a child. Her funny ways. Things she had said that were humorous. I held her in my heart again. I faced reality without her in it. I knew she was close, though. One day I was holding a new grandchild and my sister popped in for a second, leaned into see the baby in my arms and popped back out again. It happened so quickly that even I, a seasoned medium doubted that it was her. Another form of shock. This time I cherished that moment, as I cherish all the other moments, even her death. What is life without death? In order to live we experience not living.

I learned more deeply about the present moment of now. I let go of the past and the future. I began to practice being in the moment. Being presence. It was and is calming and peaceful. My depression slowly lifted. About this time people mirrored back to me that they thought I should be getting on with the rest of my life. I smiled a knowing smile. Those are their rules for themselves. I didn't need to follow them. I began to reflect on my life thus far. Thoughts came and went. I learned that grief is a process that comes and goes in cycles. Yes, there were times of deep emptiness and despair. I stayed right by my side during these time relying on what I had taught myself about life in general, relying on those who could hear me and letting the others go about their business. Little by little I felt emotionally more stable. I began letting the negative thoughts go. I felt that that was what I had to offer the world. What ever I choose to be, is what I have to give. I chose to give my true heart to myself and others. Anything less just adds fuel to the fire, I thought.

During the passed two years since my sisters death I have learned even more about myself and others. I know my strength. This is also a gift. Life is joyful and beautiful again. Perhaps not every moment, yet I remind myself that I place the thoughts in my mind and decide which ones to keep there. I create my own emotions and I am in charge of that. I create my life, the one I have inside of me.